New Year... New ME!

Happy New Year friends!

2012...wow!

Its obviously been a LONG time since I blogged :(
Still don't have a working computer (boo!)

But...

I fell into a deep depression right after Thanksgiving.

I mean I'd been depressed since my brother was killed last March,

but I continued to let myself fall into a dark ugly hole.

Most people didn't see it.

If you are on my facebook page, you may have guessed from time to time that things weren't good.

I can't say the 3 weeks I spent in a deep dark place were a total waster, cause it gave me a wake up call.

I realized...

1. I have the MOST amazing compassionate kind and loving husband int he world because he

continued to love and support me as I yelled, cried and tried to push anyone and everyone away for 9 months. He mentioned the "divorce" word to me a few times, I think I was just so awful that he said it in hopes I'd "change".

2. My kids are the 2nd MOST amazing thing in my life. Thru all the 9 months of tears they still called me Mommy and Muffin, still hugged and kissed me daily and still wanted to be with my on my ugliest, tear stained days.

3. My brothers life on Earth is ended... BUT he has a better new life in Heaven. Full of peace, which is far better than what I believe we have here on Earth. I feel him by my side. He helped me get thru our 1st Christmas without him this year by reminding me Christmas is about NEW LIFE, and creating a new life with my family! Christmas is also a joyous time for children- to see Santa, make cookies, trim the tree, play in snow and go to bed the night before Christmas dreaming about what they will have to open on Christmas morn. For children, life is about fun and learning. This is what they RETAUGHT me this December.

4. I realized 2011 was one of the MOST traumatic years of my live...I lost myself but have refound who I strive to want to be beginning NOW. God blessed ME with LIFE, it may not last forever but I need to love it and live it now. My brother lived his life to the fullest with NO regret in his short 27 years. He smiled and laughed daily, tried new things, took risks that backfired sometimes but each day he LIVED! I take that "silent" lesson from him and now apply that to each day. I hope he looks down on me and thinks "Wow, I taught MY bis SIS SOMETHING "NEW"?" YES BRO you did, and I am eternally grateful!

5. So in this NEW YEAR, I will STRIVE to live life to the fullest... to remember that each hectic moment will pass. I will hug my hubby and kids tighter each day and praise the Lord that they are mine. I will be greateful for my job even though I hate it sometimes, that it provides for us financially and gives us health insurance that is so needed now. I will work daily on bettering my health, mentally and physically. I already lost 5 lbs since Christmas and joining a Zumba Biggest Loser Weight Loss competition that runs thru March 31st. I wanna lost at least 30 pounds. I wanna possibly rid my body of Insulin Resistance. When I eat healthier and work out, I feel better in mind and body. I wanna go back to college and get my BA within 2 years. So I can continue to grow in my career. I wanna be a better wife and mother- the type that I used to be and have always wanted to be.

All of this that I said today came from the heart, and I wanted to open myself and be honest.

No fancy pics in this post, just the REAL true Noelle.

I thank you all for your friendship and support.

All my love,

Noelle