Dear dear girls...
Do YOU ever have a week where things just ANNOY the day-lights out of you?
Well that is MY week!
And PMS does not help matters any either!
This post is the "beast" that I have held within my own mind and heart for the past couple months. Its things that I needed to say to people, but feel as if its not worth the breath that comes out of my mouth to say it. Please don't be scared... lol! NONE of this has to do with any of my sweet blog friends.
Its things in my life that I bottle up at times then my tops blows.
I try to be a nice person, I was NOT a nice person for many years in the past.
When I became a mom, that all changed because I wanted to be a better person for myself and for my children.
I've tried to "let things go" over the years; to not hold grudges.
In dealing with my grandma and dad's deaths in the past 5 years, I've realized that life is too short... to live each day to the fullest.
With my dads passing in December, I became irate.
Irate with the doctors that failed him,
irate with the doctors that failed myself and my family with their lack of communication,
irate with people in my life who want to be there for me but don't know how?
Or would rather SAY that they would be there for me?
Does saying "Let me know if you need ANYTHING" make it all better for the person that is grieving?
For the people in my life that have never lost a parent or grandparent, have never lost a child, suffered miscarriages, found out that you have a bounty of health problems that make life really hard to deal with sometimes, for the people who have never had to struggle financially- almost lose your home, not be able to pay bills, etc.... How can you pretend to know how I feel? Or what I need? Or try to understand what is wrong with me?
Walk in those shoes for a day and feel the pain, sadness, bitterness and loneliness!
Tell me that I'm not a true friend because I am dealing with so much $hit that makes it really hard for me to be a PEACH all the time!
The ONE thing I will do NO Longer in my life is PRETEND I'm OK when I'm NOT!
Thats not me, I'm a tell it like it is kinda girl.
Most people admire that trait, some are offended by it.
Those that are offended by it, often don't have the "balls" to stand up for themselves- thats why it ticks them off.
All I've wanted since Dec.13, 2009- the day my dad died...
is for the people NEAR me (at home, in my family, etc) to let me cry, lend me a shoulder to cry on, let me be a Debby-Downer for once 'cause thats what I need!
Grieving is a long hard drawn out process!
I've withdrawn myself from the people around me because I don't feel like I can turn to them.
I don't want to hear "It will be ok" cause NO its not.
I miss my dad, my kids miss their grandpa... life is different now.
I'm different now!
And if thats not up to par for some people, then OH FREAKIN WELL!
Feel pain and sorrow, then tell me how to feel!
**I think of my blog as my "diary". I share my thoughts, feelings- happy and sad ones. I share my good days, my bad! I share what I love to do and what I hate... its just ME!
TRUE friends stick with you through all those UGLY days, they suck it up when you aren't your best and get a lil snippy... it happens!**
I love my 2 sons, I love my husband, my mom, my brothers, my 98 blog followers who FOLLOW my life and let ME be ME. I love my SMALL number of real friends, who still call and text... I think its a total of 3 at this point, kinda sad.
My BLOG is also my HAPPY place where I can show my crafts, photos, etc.
95% of the time its a HAPPY blog; today its full of emotion, that I vent much better in writing.
Maybe its ME not having the BALLS to say it out loud today, but like I said...
its not worth wasting my breath anymore.
Life goes on, new and wonderful people come into your lives and bless you with amazing friendships, they go out of your way to make you smile:) I thank God for these amazing people each day!
~~~ Thank YOU For letting ME be ME today~~~
And please come back tomorrow for HAPPINESS now that the BEAST in unleashed and almost gone!
Lots of Love,
Noelle ♥
