Dear dear girls...
Do YOU ever have a week where things just ANNOY the day-lights out of you?
Well that is MY week!
And PMS does not help matters any either!
This post is the "beast" that I have held within my own mind and heart for the past couple months. Its things that I needed to say to people, but feel as if its not worth the breath that comes out of my mouth to say it. Please don't be scared... lol! NONE of this has to do with any of my sweet blog friends.
Its things in my life that I bottle up at times then my tops blows.
I try to be a nice person, I was NOT a nice person for many years in the past.
When I became a mom, that all changed because I wanted to be a better person for myself and for my children.
I've tried to "let things go" over the years; to not hold grudges.
In dealing with my grandma and dad's deaths in the past 5 years, I've realized that life is too short... to live each day to the fullest.
With my dads passing in December, I became irate.
Irate with the doctors that failed him,
irate with the doctors that failed myself and my family with their lack of communication,
irate with people in my life who want to be there for me but don't know how?
Or would rather SAY that they would be there for me?
Does saying "Let me know if you need ANYTHING" make it all better for the person that is grieving?
For the people in my life that have never lost a parent or grandparent, have never lost a child, suffered miscarriages, found out that you have a bounty of health problems that make life really hard to deal with sometimes, for the people who have never had to struggle financially- almost lose your home, not be able to pay bills, etc.... How can you pretend to know how I feel? Or what I need? Or try to understand what is wrong with me?
Walk in those shoes for a day and feel the pain, sadness, bitterness and loneliness!
Tell me that I'm not a true friend because I am dealing with so much $hit that makes it really hard for me to be a PEACH all the time!
The ONE thing I will do NO Longer in my life is PRETEND I'm OK when I'm NOT!
Thats not me, I'm a tell it like it is kinda girl.
Most people admire that trait, some are offended by it.
Those that are offended by it, often don't have the "balls" to stand up for themselves- thats why it ticks them off.
All I've wanted since Dec.13, 2009- the day my dad died...
is for the people NEAR me (at home, in my family, etc) to let me cry, lend me a shoulder to cry on, let me be a Debby-Downer for once 'cause thats what I need!
Grieving is a long hard drawn out process!
I've withdrawn myself from the people around me because I don't feel like I can turn to them.
I don't want to hear "It will be ok" cause NO its not.
I miss my dad, my kids miss their grandpa... life is different now.
I'm different now!
And if thats not up to par for some people, then OH FREAKIN WELL!
Feel pain and sorrow, then tell me how to feel!
**I think of my blog as my "diary". I share my thoughts, feelings- happy and sad ones. I share my good days, my bad! I share what I love to do and what I hate... its just ME!
TRUE friends stick with you through all those UGLY days, they suck it up when you aren't your best and get a lil snippy... it happens!**
I love my 2 sons, I love my husband, my mom, my brothers, my 98 blog followers who FOLLOW my life and let ME be ME. I love my SMALL number of real friends, who still call and text... I think its a total of 3 at this point, kinda sad.
My BLOG is also my HAPPY place where I can show my crafts, photos, etc.
95% of the time its a HAPPY blog; today its full of emotion, that I vent much better in writing.
Maybe its ME not having the BALLS to say it out loud today, but like I said...
its not worth wasting my breath anymore.
Life goes on, new and wonderful people come into your lives and bless you with amazing friendships, they go out of your way to make you smile:) I thank God for these amazing people each day!
~~~ Thank YOU For letting ME be ME today~~~
And please come back tomorrow for HAPPINESS now that the BEAST in unleashed and almost gone!
Lots of Love,
Noelle ♥
12 comments:
SIGH.....You feel better though right???
Keep Calm and acrry on...Thats the quote eh?
I think society these days does'nt like emotion....I sAY,laugh,cry,rage,giggle,dance be crazy....But I think as Humans it is really healthy to feel the full gamut of emotions.
Hmmmm.....Carry on....Not acrry...lol!
You are right! It isn't all right..your heart is broke and it hurts like hell.Your life is missing something and what will fill that void? No one!
I have and still am going through this. Im hurt,sad,mad,alone and just any other word. I had people say your not the same...your not even the friend I had...you never call.It goes on and on and I like you knew they couldn't know how I felt.I got so much crap like if you cared you would call.I finally said who is with you shopping? My mom..who lives with you? my mom..then you have no idea what the crap your talking about! I wish no bad on anyone,but they will never know until they have walked in our shoes.
It is okay to be upset and let it out.If it stays inside you will fall apart.I love you and I am here! Im in Mississippi,but my phone is 24 hours and I can talk and cry with you!
Noelle,If I could hug you right now I would. It is very hard to go on with day to day life when all your mind keeps thinking about is your Dad. I know because 17 years ago I lost my Dad ( one of my best friends) to throat cancer and nothing in the world mattered more to me than him at that time. To this day I still miss sharing things with him. I could use a Dad hug once in awhile. I miss him being proud of me. I miss being Daddy's Girl. I had that time, that time is gone and my mind will never accept that . But through the pain I remind myself each day that life is short and it is a gift and through bad moments and catastrophies I tell myself that I just need to worry about today and find what's happy in it. I know now that there are chapters to our lives and nothing ever stays the same. You just have to be willing to move on to the next chapter and make yourself happy during it. I am one of those friends that will always listen Noelle.
Big Hugs, Sue
No matter what society says, It is okay to grieve. But it is also true that those who haven't grieved- will not understand. ♥
I think it is good to be able to vent when you need to!!! It is healthy to let those emotions out...and it is totally normal to feel these things. I am glad to be one of your new blog friends:-) I will be thinking of you and praying for you today!!!!
Coming from a fellow bottler who isn't in a great place right now...you've got to let it out once in awhile. You have to yell and scream and bitch and moan once in awhile or you'll go crazy inside your own head. If people can't let you do that, they're not worth it. Some people don't know what to say and so they say nothing at all, or they say the wrong thing but in your heart you know who is worth your energy and your time and who is not.
((hugs))
Hang in there girl!
I so agree with you Noelle...it's not OK. When I lost my sister, then my godfather, godmother and then my mom, all within 3 years...I thought what the HECK! No one understood...when I would cry constantly, they told me everything would be ok. Ummm, no it will NEVER be ok, because I miss them and cry for them every single day of my life. Sometimes I just want to stand outside and scream...
I wish I were closer to you...because I would be one of those friends that would come see you and text you and call you. I don't have very many people I call friends anymore either. Oh well...my life goes on and I can't waste it on those jerks!
Big hugz,
Michele
Go on and BE YOU. We'll still be here. :) I lost my Grandma almost a year and a half ago and I can't honestly say it's gotten any easier. But, such is life.
Oh Noelle!! I wish I could give you a big hug!! You go right ahead and show emotions, kick, scream, cry, do whatever you need to say or do!!! We are allowed to FEEL that is ours and ours alone. And I promise not to say it will be okay!! You just do what you need to do, we are right here for you!!
Love ya!
Amy
I think we all need to just unleash the beast once in a while:-) Too often we try to please others by not showing our true feelings and that is so wrong. But, as you say, in today`s society it`s as if we`re not allowed to show too much emotion. I say to that...tough titties...really, that`s my favourite expression! lol Giving you a bigggg hug. xoxoxo
wOW, IT IS LIKE I WROTE THAT. In life usually your true friends are less then a handful. That is ok if it is even just one. Sometimes you either except them as they are or let go. I have learned that . I have different friends for different reasons. but they all have a part of my personality i think.. i made the decision to really only have friends that have been with me thru thick and thin.. Sure they drive me nuts and i cant expect them to give as much as i do. But they have there own way of doing it. Alot of people are all about themselves eventually you will get rid of those. Some people are not even capable of having a true friendship and have no idea what it takes to be a good friend. sometimes they have no clue until you tell them how u feel. Specially when a death is involved. And some people even yourself cannot relate to something until they go thru it. My motto is treat people as u want to be treated. Ok there are days i dont have patience for ass... but..lol.. mishelle
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