To MY Dad in Heaven ♥

To my dad on Fathers Day,

Dad this is my first Fathers Day without you and its been hard.

As I shopped for Fathers Day cards for the boys to give their grandpas, I felt the hole in my heart growing wider as I thought of how I would buy cards for you from me and from the boys; how I'd search high and low to find a nice gift for you, even though you'd say you didn't need anything.

I still cannot believe you are gone from us forever.

I cannot believe that you were stuck in that miserable awful hospital for two months.

What the hell was I thinking letting you stay there?

I had a choice to bring you home but I felt that MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS would take better care of your health than I knew how to, and LOOK what happened to you.

My heart aches daily to think of how we could have fulfilled your last few weeks with daily visits from us, how you could have seen your grandsons on Halloween, how you could have walked me down the aisle on my wedding day and maybe even had one last Christmas with us.

HELL maybe you could have had more time to live if you were back home getting proper care.

I will always feel like I failed you dad, that I could have tried harder to make things better for you.

I was so scared that I'd do something wrong, that I'd hurt you or something.

I never thought once that things would have ended up the way they did for you and I am SO sorry that you were so far away.

I wish  you were here with me now, so I could tell you all these things and give you a great big hug.

I wish you could give me that "A-OK" sign with your fingers like you did after your surgery when you couldn't speak.

I wish I had more time to tell you I Love You and I'm sorry for being a brat for so many years when I was younger. I wish I still had you here as my daddy.

I love how much you loved your little grandsons and how you reassured me that they really were good lil boys and that I was doing a good job raising them.

Oh how it hurts to have so many words left unsaid when a loved one passes away.

Dad, I hope you are in peace today; that all your pain is gone and you are able to look down upon us and smile. I hope that you will look over us and keep us safe.

I miss you so much and so does Andrew, he really always needed you.

Poor little Gage still asks for you, he wants to know where sick Papa is and if you are better. I know you'd love to hug and squeeze that chubby lil boy. And you'd laugh so much listening to all the crazy things Gavin says all the time. I know how much he meant to you!

We do miss you so much and would give anything to have you back with us again.

Just know today that you are very  much on my mind dad and I will always be your little girl, I love you dad ♥

~Noelle~